PlayIsTheWork.com

I took my kids to the pool last weekend.
In the seasonless land of LA, it’s now Hot Sunny Time, opposed to Warm Sunny Time, so lawn chairs and umbrellas are in demand. I cracked the whip in the morning; and after a lot of cajoling, scowling (and under-the-breath swearing by me), we were at the pool by 10:00am, and I was mightly impressed with myself.

As I was poolside, stripping the kids down and slathering on the SPF 100, our local Martha Stewart of Parenting- c’mon I know you know her too- the perfect, uber-devoted mother who can never be beat in any aspect of parenting– sidled up to me.

“You’re here! We’ve been here since 8:30, and sadly, the kids are leaving now, so they won’t be able to play together. We have to run– T-ball at 12:00, and then gymnastics at 3:00!” Big smile.

It is petty and stupid, I know. But suddenly I felt like my 10:00am rally was deficient. Apparently, pool arrival time is a competition. Well, with MSP, everything child-related somehow seems that way.

When I signed my eldest up for soccer, MSP’s trilled “Oh, that’s great you are finally getting her started! Of course, this is our fourth year in the league, so unfortunately they won’t be in the same skill bracket. Hey though, I ‘ve got the name of some great coaches and camps– in case you want to start building her skills up now.” (MSP’s kid is five years old. What kind of soccer was she “playing” four years ago?) More improtantly, why am I even worrying about it?

Competitive parenting is a problem my husband refers to as “Too Much Time and Not Enough To Worry About,” and I have to agree. There are countless more important and tragic things in life to occupy our minds than whose child potty trains first. However, I know that every mother has felt that bitter and surprising taste of competition from a friend over a child’s achievement. I struggle to pretend I am oblivious to the competitive vibes to keep myself from being sucked into the vortex of negativity that ensues.

Unfortunately, most parents seem to unable to resist the pull. Excessively competitive parents are chronicled in the papers daily: we all read with horror about crazed competitive parents who physically assault highschool referees, pay others to help their kids cheat (see last week’s CBS article), and who berate teachers on behalf of their children about “undeserved” poor grades.

As I am traveling this rocky parenting path, I try to remember that my ego is not and should not be defined by my child’s successes. Those successes belong to my kid, not to me. They reflect her hard work, not my status or skill as a parent.

I don’t know where the drive to compete comes from– is it our own inadequacies surfacing (aka I was never head cheerleader, so I’m going to be damn sure that my kid gets that thrill, and that I can live vicariously through her?) or is it simple human nature to constantly see where we, and our kids, measure up?

I don’t know. My only hope is that parents everywhere find the inner strength to step back and separate their egos from their kid’s performance. If we don’t, this parenting thing could be a long and lonely road. How can we support each other in the monumentally difficult task of raising good kids if we are constantly looking over our shoulders to see who is gaining on us?

Posted on May 31st, 2005 by Allison
Filed under: Daily Life, The Urban Parent