Why is it so tough to admit that parenting, being a mom, is hard? It sometimes feels as if I’m living on another planet when I see how unaffected some of my friends are by the tantrums, the hitting, the fighting between siblings. The screaming frustrations and the defiant “your not a very good mommy” comments. I have a friend who can totally block and sift through the days’ mail while her children are screaming at decibel levels that could shatter glass. I don’t have those extraordinary powers. Mine only last until about the third screaming fit and then I’ve had it.
Granted I have twins which is a unique situation. We call it the “24 hour play date” because it never ends. Imagine what that means. Most play dates are great for a while but you know when its time to go. It’s usually when previously good sharing happening over Barbie’s turns into hair pulling over Polly’s. But with us the other kid is already home. I’ve tried hard to practice the “positive discipline” approach and stay away from time-outs but find that “Logan, can you please take a little quiet time away from your sister” after he’s just beaned her in the head with the soccer ball doesn’t have the same impact as “Logan, room, now!” My mom keeps chanting, “consistency.” Like it’s the key to everything. Whatever you do be “consistent” but I’m terrible at it. I always hold out hope that one day they’re going to turn the corner and when I give them that one last chance they’ll actually take it and whatever the bad behavior is will end. But guess what? It doesn’t. Then I end up getting mad at them but ultimately mad at myself for being so inconsistent.
I think it’s hard. I’ll admit it. I think parenting and making the right decisions and choices when it comes to my children is hard. I think not knowing the long term affects of decisions we make as far as how we parent is hard. Look at Veruka Salt–she was a bad egg (or a bad nut depending on which version) and look how she turned out. I think it’s so hard that sometimes at the end of the day I want to run away from home. Not because I don’t love my children, or my husband or my life. And not because I don’t feel incredibly blessed every day I have with them but because it’s hard and that kind of hard is sometimes overwhelming at times. I write about this in full disclosure because I really hope more moms will start admitting it. Not only so that I won’t feel so alone but so that others will know they’re not alone either. I think there are more of us our there than we know—it’s time to come to each others aid with support and love instead of judgment.
I’m off the blog for the next two weeks taking our first vacation without kids to celebrate turning 40 and being married for 10 years (5 with these amazing twins.) I hope that there will be many interesting, funny, fascinating posts when I return. Until then, remember to worry less, play more and enjoy. While I’ve admitted it’s hard, I’ll also cop to the fact that most of the worthwhile things in my life have been hard but well, well worth it!
Posted on September 9th, 2005 by Sam
Filed under: Uncategorized
You’re so right. This parenting this is so hard and I always feel whenever I talk about how hard it is, I’m confessing something terrible. But anyone who thinks (or pretends) that parenting is easy is just lying to themselves and everyone else around them. And that just perpetrates the myth. Parenting is hard. Kids (even though we love them) need some tender dicipline. And it will continue to be hard forever. Some days will be better than others, but as they grow and change, I will also need to grow and change as a parent. And hopefully in the end, we all survive. That’s all I’m asking for
I am in full agreement with how hard parenting is. I think the greatest gift I have to offer my child is my being ‘present’ with her. That takes an enormous amount of internal work. I have to fend off the “not-so-good mother” inside and try to see things anew. I don’t always have a “new” way to do things or ways to respond, and that is frustrating. I am most frustrated with myself. The hardest thing for me is remember to forgive myself for mistakes and try to learn from them. I am doomed to repetition far more than I’d like. Maybe one day I’ll learn to head off the tantrum at the end of the day when we are both tired-but my daughter is 5 and I still haven’t got that one down. Oh well, all I can say is, that I hope she gets ‘enough’ of the good, calm me to help her fend off the “witch” part. And I hope that because I can say I’m sorry, when I know I”ve acted badly, (unlike my mother who took 35 years to say it) she will also learn that all of us make mistakes, and we still come back and try again.