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My almost 5 year old daughter has always been very emotional. She threw tantrums at ages 2 and 3 periodically. She would hit, scratch or try to bite–me. And use her voice loudly. I read a lot and talked to other mothers, consulted with a therapist, the usual “mother-looking-for-help” things. The tantrums seemed to come and go and often occured when my daughter was overly tired and/or didn’t like the response she was getting to a question or desire. I learned to be firm, pick my battles, set better limits and began teaching her (and reminding myself) to “breathe”.

Well that was then and this is now. She is 43″, weighs just over 40 pounds, is the wonderfully verbal kid I thought I always wanted, and we are at a different level of experience. I haven’t seen a lot of information about dealing with tantrums at this age and perhaps it is difficult to admit our kids are still throwing tantrums. I have nightmares about what lies ahead when she’s a teenager if we don’t figure this out sooner than later. IF there is such a thing as figuring out your kid before they have actually moved on to the next planet of experience.

Recent after school tantrums of one sort or another have ended with me closing myself in a room in order to take a time-out, or carrying my daughter upstairs to her room like a very slippery salmon on a hook and then trying to gently pin her down so I can prevent her from hurting me, all the while attempting to speak calmly. Needless to say, after two weeks of this I was spent. And it finally occured to me, so was she. She just isn’t the kind of kid who makes transitions easily-and she started a new pre-school this fall, with more kids in her class and in the school as a whole, new teachers, new playground, 5 mornings and one afternoon a week. What was I thinking?

So this is what I am coming to. When in doubt, do nothing. I mean that in the sense of the Hippocratic oath doctors take: Do No Harm. To yourself or them. Stop, Breathe, Sit down and try to wait.

I finally got it. By the end the week, really, at the end of each day, she was cooked. She needed not to DO anything more but be in her world, at her speed, with me.

The odd thing is is that she really likes school and her teachers say she is participating and making friends and I see that too. But she keeps it together there and saves all the other feelings for me and for where she knows she can let down.

So dear one, I will keep making space in myself, making my “pot” bigger, so you can feel safe to have those feelings and eventually learn to keep them at a simmer, not over-cooked and boiling.

Posted on November 13th, 2005 by Suzanne
Filed under: Mommy Mishaps