I know that this is going to sound strange to some but I’d love to know if anyone else has had this experience with their 4 or 5 year olds. For the last couple of years my daughter seems to be obsessed with death. Not her own of course, but with mortality issues in general. Last summer we were on a trip with our friends–two other families with children the same age. As the adults were chatting away in walked our three little girls. One had my daughters hands, the other her legs, they were carrying her to some undisclosed location. When we asked what they were doing my daughter hushed me and said, “mama, don’t bother us, we’re playing death.” As the other moms looked at me, I wondered whether that would be our last play date invite.
I know that this is a subject that many children are curious about but it seems with my daughter it’s a bit obsessive. Last year for Halloween instead of wanting to be a “princess” like all the other 4 year old girls, she wanted to be a “dead, ghoulish, princess.” At first I thought–”good for you, be different, be you’re own person” now Ive started to be a little creeped. When my husband lost his mother this past year I think it brought some amount of reality to the subject of death. At least we were able to explain that when you die you are no longer here and unlike the princess in “Sleeping Beauty” you don’t wake up again. That got her thinking and SHE started to get a bit freaked. She kept asking when she was going to die and when we were going to die. Not a subject that you really want to think about when you’re children are 5. I wanted to deal with it in a healthy way but not make her scared. We explained that usually when people die they either they get sick from something that can’t be fixed or they are very old. We didn’t get into accidents too much–I figured that would freak all of us out. This explanation seemed to satisfy for a while but when she was going to sleep the other night I heard her weeping. I asked her what was wrong and she said she missed Grandma Ann. As sad as this was I felt like we’d finally gotten to a healthy place about all of this. We had a long talk about it as I cradled her in my arms. It made her feel better to know that Grandma Ann’s spirit was all around her and that she was always going to look out for her–a guardian angel if you will.
When we spent the Thanksgiving holiday with my family this year we celebrated my grandmother’s 99th birthday. I was worried about the whole “death” subject again because now my daughter knows how to count and she knows that 99 is pretty old. When we were saying goodbye to Grandma Lucy, Blaise gave her a big smooch and a big hug and turned to her with a most innocent look and told her that she was going to die soon. My grandmother looked back at her and told her she was right. But that even after she was gone, she would stay in Blaise’s heart forever. They both exchanged a knowing glance and I thought, ok, I think we’re getting somewhere.
Anyone else having conversations like this with very young kids? I’d love to hear from you…
Posted on November 27th, 2005 by Sam
Filed under: Uncategorized, Daily Life, Am I Crazy?
Sam,
I have conversations with my daughter about real and pretend death quite often, and have for several years. The stories range from the “real” and seen deaths of birds, mice, squirrels, other critters our dog or neighbor cats manage to hunt down, to road kill, deer and then the imagined death of our beloved dog.
I think more of this comes up for us because my daughter is adopted and she thought her birth mother was dead for the longest time, even when we said she wasn’t. Another reason she imagines death is that both of my parents are dead and so is my husband;s mother and she too has seen very old relatives of ours.
We are pretty matter-of-fact with her about death and old age, but I too find it disturbing when she makes up stories about so and so dying or in her pretend play games somebody dies.
I think in reality it is probably healthy–a way for kids to deal with the seen and not seen aspects of the world, theirs included. Going to sleep at night is an act of faith that you will wake again and everyone will still be there. Going off to school or anywhere without the ones you are dependent on, can stir all kinds of fears of loss. They are old enough to sense the “here and not-here” part of our everyday lives and yet the permanency of death is not something really understood. Even peek-a-boo games with really young kids is a little about that same phenomenon, I think.
I believe that Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who wrote so eloquently about Death and Dying also talked with a lot of kids. When I worked in hospitals with kids, some of them with terminal diseases, it was very much a part of the conversation and they didn’t shy away from it.
Sometimes it is hard to be reassuring and factual, but that is what I strive for. I know all too well that life is fragile; my dad died suddenly when I was a teen, and so did my husband’s. But I try to hold inside the belief that I will be here to see my daughter grow up and have kids (we had this conversation again today) and be an old woman.
I remember as a ten year old, being asked what scared me most. All the kids answered ‘death’. My response was ‘aliens’. That was when I first started to consider death as being a ’scary concept’.
I’d experienced death of family members before that point in time, but it had never particularly worried me.
Even now, at 19, I’m not scared of death. I don’t want to die, certainly, and I sure don’t want anyone I love to go that way soon. But it’s never really been anything that has worried me too much. I think the scariest thing about death would have to be the /way/ we go.
But like your daughter, I have a mild obsession with death. I’ve been called morbid, particularly with my job aspirations - a mortician, but i find it a fascinating, and crucial, part of life, and to me, being scared of the inevitable will only impact the way you live your life.
At any rate, I wish you and your daughter luck. Don’t worry about her fascination… When I was her age I would pretend to be a horse…
I have had quite a few of these talks with my 5 year old son who keeps asking when all the people around him will die(i.e. me, his nana, even himself). I think it stemmed form the family dog dying and from there at least 2-3x a week he mentions death and how he is scared to die and will miss me when I die. I just tell him that those feelings are normal and I won’t be dying anytime soon. Anyone have any other ideas on how to get my son to stop being obsessed with this subject or ideas on how to talk to him to get him not to be so scared?
Just read Andrea’s post and glad I am not alone. My daughter is 41/2 and for the past 6 mos. at least has been periodically obsessing about death and asking the ‘am i going to die? are you going to die? ” questions of me, her dad, and most recently her grandparents, whom she has visited for sleepovers. With her grandparents (my husbands mom and stepdad and then dad and stepmom) she started with this line of questioning and then started crying “i don’t want to die” , which of course upset them and led them to bring it up to us. We have an almost 20 year old cat and I am very afraid of my daughter’s sooner or later experience with her (cat’s) death. Also, I sometimes worry if she is suffering because of our lack of religious indoctination– other kids she knows talk about ‘heaven’ (my daughter told me after talking to other kids that someone ‘died and went to Kevin) but we haven’t given her any kind of dogma to work from or with. Anyway, I too would love any ideas about helping to quell these fears and preoccupation with death.
[…] Telling my children about Grandma Lucy’s death has been a challenge. Whenever you deal with issues of mortality with a six year old (especially one already obsessed with death) you tread on very shaky ground. And it brings up issues you may or may not be ready to talk about. I’ve been preparing them but I didn’t bring them to the funeral. To a certain extent that makes it “not” real for them which is something we’ll continue to address. In the meantime, I wanted to share this site I found that helps try to “kidify” the subject and put it into a healthy, positive context. […]
My daughter who is 6 has been talking about death periodically since she was 5. It scares mr because she always tells me about “when she dies”. She will bring it up out of nowhere all the time. She has said made comments about where she wants to be burried and what type of flowers she wants at her funeral. She has asked if her cat could be burried with her when she dies. It gets me upset when she talks like this because I feel like she is trying to prepare me for her death or something. She told me last night before we went to bed that when she dies she will be my guardian angel. If anyone has any thoughts on this please help, I dont know why she is doing this.
Just wondering if anyone else has had these experiences with their kid(s)? My 4 year old seems obsessed with death and violence. He isn’t an overly violent child toward others, but often will say things like, “I’m going to cut your head off” or “You’re dead.” And when he’s playing, he’ll often say that whatever he’s playing with has died (usually from a shark attack or stabbing). I don’t know where he gets this and am just wondering if maybe this is some sort of normal thing for 4 year olds to do. It’s worrying my husband a lot - he’s convinced we’re raising a serial killer, but I’m just thinking that he’s a typical 4 year old and knows he is going to get a reaction out of us. Please let me know what you think.
My son is also talking about death a bunch too. Today I was asking where he wanted to have his birthday party, and he told me but then said that he was going to die before his birthday - then went on about that. I hate it when he talks about his own death - it really is crazy and I am researching to find out how best to handle it!
Leslie, my sense is that this is pretty common given the heat around the topic. I think it’s natural–it freaks us out but for them it’s all about exploration. And somewhat about getting a reaction from us:) If you think he’s trying to get your attention I’d acknowledge but keep your reaction pretty bland. If it’s not about attention, I’d track it and see how long it lasts. My daughter talks far less about death now and she’s 6. Hope that’s some solice.
I am a grandmother of a 7 year old boy. One night last week he went running out of his room after my daughter thought that he was asleep. He was white as a ghost, and was crying and saying that he didn’t want to die. My daughter tried to calm him down, and reassure him that he was not going to die. she finally got him back to bed and got him to go to sleep. The next day he was very anxious, and nervous. He kept saying that he was terrified of dying, and he didn’t want to go to heaven, because he was afraid that he would not be able to come back and be with his family.
We picked him up on Friday night and brought him to our house. He is usually with us every weekend. He started to get upset the minute that he got into the car. He told me that he had a bad dream that he died, and he was floating in blackness. He could not see, hear, smell or feel anything. He was just floating in the blackness. I talked to him and told him that he was not going to die, and that it was just a bad dream. He will be ok for a few minutes, and then he starts to think about it again, He gets cold, and shakey, and he will start to cry. We spent the whole day with him today. We went to a couple of festivals, but on the drive there he started to freak out,yelling that he didn’t want to die. We got him calmed down and continued on to the festival. when we arrived at the festival, he said that he just wanted to go back to our house. He usually loves to go places with us and he has always been a happy and fun little boy. I don’t know what to do about this situation. I have talked to my daughter and son in-law about getting him into counselling asap.
He has talked to us about death before, but only to question about it. I have never known a child to get so upset, and have such anxiety over anything like this. I have three children, and they all have asked questions about death when they were young, but never were they as frightened as my grandson. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know.
Thanks
I am in the same boat so by reading all these other replies I would say this is all pretty normal. My son is 4 1/2 and he talks about when he is going to die, when we are going to die and when his grandparents are going to die. Most recently he has been asking if you can die in your sleep…this one has been tough to talk about…my husband and I think he is asking and thinking so much due to all the recent deaths around us (both my grandmothers, my mom’s dog, and 3 neighbors dogs). The questions can come from out of the blue too! He asked a neighbor that borrowed a bathing suit for his nephew the other day if the nephews mother was dead…very random in the conversation and the neighbor seemed a bit startled by the question…my husband and I just answer him and keep on going. We are very honest and open with all of our children and I am sure the questions will fade in time.
I am so happy to have found this. My 4 1/2 year old son has been talking about death on and off for a few weeks. But today when we took him to meet his pre-school teacher he told her that his parents died and that we were his new parents?!?! I don’t know where he would have come up with this.. He has cried a couple of times stating he did not was us (mom and dad) to die and that he did not want his grandma to die either.. We have told him about heaven but I don’t think he really gets it. I hope he gets over this soon or his father and I will have a lot of explaining to do at school..
I can tell you that probably at 4.5 they don’t really get “heaven.” But they do understand the safety net that you provide and that usually gets you through the bumps. My daughter just had her 7th birthday and she’s over it. She still talks about her grandmother and great grandmother who she remembers but have passed away and she does it through fond memories, not through fear. Hang in there, it’ll pass…
Wow, glad to hear this will pass. My 4 1/2 year old daughter has been raised in a Christian environment (we feel we provide a healthy example of faith — not a ‘fire and brimstone’ rendition of religion), and thought the casual reference to death was healthy (like her normal nighttime prayers about “Now I lay me down to sleep”). I was starting to possibly regret the casual answers to her questions about God and “our true treasures are in heaven” and that we’ll all eventually be there together forever. These were all in answers to her questions, I did not bring it on.
But, in the past six months she has been obsessed about her own death, us leaving her, and upset about her head being separated from her body, bad guys killing her/us. I thought may be her older brothers playing video games while they were here over the summer, but they’re not now (and I would limit that). She casually stated to a friend of mine that “I am going to die soon.” Freaked out the friend!
Okay, so it’s nice to see many of these kids are growing out of it. But, in the meantime, I think I’ll change her nighttime prayer to something without “If I die before I wake” into something less morbid!
Michelle,
I do think they grow out of it and its a normal part of separation anxiety. At 4.5 they’re starting to think about going to “real” school and being away from us. While we are not religious, many of the same questions come up. When my husbands mother passed away instead of talking about “heaven” we told our children that she would live in our hearts forever and that is the happy thought they could have–always being with grandma. It seemed to work. I think we all get a bit creative when it comes to talking about subjects we think our little ones won’t understand. What I’ve been amazed by is how much they really do undertsand. Good luck!
My 7-year-old has recently started say that she wants to die. When I ask her why, her answers range from “I want to be with God” to “nobody loves me anyway”. I don’t know how to handle this. I try to talk to her about what she thinks and what goes on to make her say something like that. We’ve talked about death in general, but I cannot for the life of me figure out why she would say she wants to die. And it is killing me. I don’t know for sure if she’s understanding what she is saying completely, and I don’t know how much of it is done as attention-getting. She’s very good at that. There are 8 years between my two daughters - the oldest is 14 1/2. My oldest daughter never talked about death. It was too scary to her. What do I do? Do I talk to the school counselor? Do I take her to family counseling? Where do I turn for answers?
Suzanne,
I completely feel your pain. My daughter (who I originally wrote this post about) is now 7. And while she’s less obsessed with death in general, I’m quite sure that I have the only 7 year old who is going to be a “dead” bunny for Halloween this year. Yes, that’s right, roadkill! But, the reason she wants to do it is because she likes the scary make up. I think what happens as kids grow is that they start to put death in context and figure out the difference between real death and “Disney” death. Mine has and I bet yours will too. I also believe kids at 7 have very few things in their life that they control and therefore things they know will get your attention and tend to get you to give up some of that control are good bets for them.
I have found several resources online (google, kids and thinking about death) that get more in depth about the topic. I’ve also consulted with my pediatrician about it. I would never say it’s just all part of growing up but I do believe as a mom you know in your gut if it’s a “real” problem where you need to seek more help. Good luck.
i would just like to say to Emily, my son is 4 also and he does the exact same thing. My son always says to me he is going to cut me and i will die all bloody. That i think is a little crazy but i dont understand how that kind of talk for a child can be normal. He always asks me when will he or i die, if i die he will be sad. I try to talk with him about these issues but i really doesnt seem to help much. Any one have some ideas on this?
I think the main thing that’s happening is that as they start to be in more social situations–away from mommy and daddy–they sometimes wonder if that will continue to happen. I believe the best way that I was able to get my daughter through this was to give her the answers I could that were concrete. All of us are healthy, we don’t believe anything is going to happen and we’re together most of the time. Getting into anything deeper that leave questions seem to only lead to more questions and more than a 4 year old can comprehend. My .02 cents!
My 6-year-old is driving us crazy. She has been obsessed with death the last couple weeks. She says every 15 minutes she doesn’t want to die. After we told her we didn’t want to hear that anymore, she would start saying she didn’t want to d-i-e. Now, she’s saying she doesn’t want to “you know what”. She is so upset about dying, but we can’t tell her that she won’t die. I told her if she takes good care of herself and doesn’t do anything silly, she should live a long,long time. That still doesn’t work. She has decided she doesn’t want to grow up, be a teacher or Mom. She wants to be a baby again. I am not exaggerating, she says these things every 15 minutes for about 2 weeks now. What can we do?
My five year old son is obsessed with death suddenly. He cries inconsolably and says ” I dont’ want to die!” We’ve tried explaining “heaven” and the everyone someday does die when they are much older and he has nothing to worry about now. He gets very upset when he brings it up and is genuinely very concerned about dying. We had a death in the family about 3 months ago and I’m not sure if his feelings are just now surfacing over that or if this is a phase. But he has been asking daily if he is going to die. I just dont’ know what to tell him anymore to make it “ok” and to ease his anxiety. Any suggestions?