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Yesterday was one of those days that I’m not proud of. It began with my daughter crying first thing when she awoke and continued for a while until we finally sourced the problem. What a surprise, there really was no problem. So why do I let that get to me? Why can’t I take my moms advice and ignore her? My day continued with my son complaining of a stomach ache as we left the house late for our carpool meeting spot. I’ll tell you, Logan is not a typical whiny, complaining kid so when he says his stomach hurts, it usually means his stomach hurts. But because my day was already starting out badly I ignored him and gave him the “tough love” speech. After asking if he needed to poop, I told him he’d be fine in a minute–he probably ate too fast.  

Finally we made it to our meeting spot and of course my 2 carpool mates were already there. As I loaded Blaise into Sally’s car for her camp and began to get Logan into Marya’s car, he resisted. Really resisted. What to do–force him to go so that I can go to work? Wait a minute. Isn’t this the reason I work for myself? So that in such a situation I can be there for my kids without guilt? I’ve never been good at this and I wasn’t yesterday either. I recalculated and figured he could probably rest on the couch at work and I should just write off the fact that I wasn’t going to get much done. Which, when you own your own business, means that nothing gets done. As I watched my friends pull away and went to buckle Logan back in he began to utter the words, “mama, I don’t…” and then it happened. Projectile vomit. All over me, him, the car seat, the car. I can still smell it a full day and car wash later. Of course the smell of puke is justice and reminds me of my guilt. 

Poor sick baby, let’s go home. As we got home and cleaned up a miraculous thing happened. He was better. Yep, fully, 100% jumping around, better. The next dillema–do I let him go to camp? He’s begging me to go to camp although i know that if the folks at sport camp knew he’d been puking 30 minutes earlier they’d say no way! I had succumbed to the fact that I wasn’t going to get anything done the entire day but now I had this window, this glimmer of turning that around. I gave into it. I lugged him over the bridge to camp hoping he’d be ok. And I dealt with yet more guilt knowing that if I was one of the other moms that kid would potentially get sick, I’d be super pissed! Turns out he was. 

Of course by the time I got to work I had a splitting headache and other challenges awaiting me. By the time I picked them up at the end of the day I had a rager and their fighting was not helping. So where is this nonsensical rambling taking me? Back to where I started–why I wasn’t proud of myself yesterday. When I finally got the kids home and started to make dinner I looked over to see Logan with a full bag of chips and crumbs all over the floor. Which may not quite have been as bad if the cleaning lady had not just left 30 minutes earlier. I felt this unbelievable anger welling up in my and blew it. I lost it. Over some crumbs. It was ridiculous and silly. I kept thinking that if I saw myself on one of those hidden camera tapes I’d be horrifyingly embarrassed. 

Today was a new day and a better one. I can’t say I didn’t have many of the same frustrations but I didn’t get puked on and I didn’t yell (although I can’t say I used the nicest tone at dinner) I’m not perfect and I’m not perfect at being a mom. But I know that I love my kids more than my own life and would never do anything intentionally to hurt them. I’m looking for tools to help me out of those tight spots when I really want to blow but know it’s not healthy for any of us. Any of you ever feel the same way? Suggestions? 

Posted on June 29th, 2006 by Sam
Filed under: Uncategorized