Although I try to keep my eyes focused on nothing but the best literature the nineteenth century had to offer and pride myself on listening to classical music, there are times when nibletts of pop culture slip into my tiny brain. And, yes, sometimes that includes famous people who are also parents. And those famous parents, with their assorted, well-publicized “issues,” bring up many issues for the rest of us. We watch as Angelina Jolie builds her family, Jenny McCarthy talks about her son’s struggle with Asperger’s in her new book and Britney Spears stumbles and falls (and falls and falls some more) while working out custody arrangements.
I can’t tell you anything about those women as mothers. Not even Ms. Spears, who, if there was a Bad Mommy Magazine, would most likely be suggested as this year’s cover girl. I don’t know those women and I don’t know what, of the information I have read about their mothering choices, is factual. But I’m right there with you, judging moms I don’t know, in situations I don’t understand, making choices based on details to which I have no knowledge.
What I do know is that being a mom is hard. Being a good mom is even harder. And having all the people all the time believe that you are a good mom? That’s impossible.
It has become not only fashionable, but expected, to give unsolicited advice to other mothers, even the not-so-famous ones. They’re conventionally called “Mommy Drive-bys,” although in the olden times, we might have simply called them passive aggressive commentary, those little comments some women (and men) use to “inform” other moms. If you are a mom, even a very new one, I’ll bet you are not new to the Mommy Drive-bys.
Here’s one of my favorites: My daughter, Hannah, then three, had a friend in preschool who loved raisins. Hannah, intruiged, asked specifically to go buy some, too. She was working through some separation issues about preschool, and having her excited to buy something for her own away-from-me snack bag was a huge step for her.
We stood together at the grocery store, in front of the aisle with the raisin boxes. A mother cruising by with her toddler (who was looking at a picture book and not at the plethora of tiny red and gold boxes) chirruped, “We used to eat raisins, didn’t we? Until we learned that they are full of sugar!” And then, she shot my child a tight little smile.
It was a Mommy Drive-by by a complete stranger. About raisins.
I’ve had moms tell me to follow Attachment Parenting or ruin my baby. And other moms insisted I Cry It Out. Moms have told me to breastfeed until my baby was at least four years of age, and to stop breastfeeding and fill her up on formula. I had moms tell me to circumcise my yet-unborn son or have him face his partner shunning him later in life, and had moms I did not know come right up and tell me that I would be ruining my child’s adult intimate activities if I did circumcise him. Utter strangers, telling me of what to do about my baby’s baby parts. Moms in the grocery store have eyed the contents of my shopping cart. Moms on the playground have suggested a hat/no hat/sunscreen/no sunscreen.
And, yes, I’ve not only “been around the block,” I’ve pushed my stroller around that block a few times. We’ve all done it, made comments meant to “help,” overly or covertly. At least it comes from a helping place. I mean, I hope so. It wouldn’t come from a slightly superior place, now, would it? Not when you or I do it. Right?
The Famous Mom-watching phenomenon is raising some good questions. What exactly are we asking for in moms? And, hello? What do we expect from dads?
People tend to forget that there are many ways to be a good parent, and your choices (Really? No raisins at all?!), while certainly thought-out and well-meaning, are not everyone’s choices. And as much as we all worry and want all children to be cared for exactly how we see it, none of us are The Boss of all of The Mommies. And so, you know, I suggest we all try to use our quiet, silent, “in our head” voices, where we can enjoy our disapproval to our heart’s content.
Here’s an interesting quiz on how you parent, based on your personality. My favorite part? It takes how you are into account, rather than how you should be.
What do you think? Are Mommy Drive-bys just part of raising our children in this global village, or should we work harder at keeping our mouths shut unless we see some signs of real harm?
And how about we good enough moms, while we lighten up on each other, also lighten up on ourselves?
Posted on October 10th, 2007 by BarbaraCA
Filed under: Uncategorized
I do think that Mommy Drive-Bys are inevitable, even if we realize in hindsight that what we did may be wrong. It doesn’t make them right, but don’t you think it’s just human nature to be slightly (and sometimes even snidely) judgemental when you see someone doing something you believe is wrong, stupid, or inappropriate? Hey, it’s all give and take. I have my moments of motherhood superiority as well as my share of “I am by far the WORST mother on the planet” moments as well. It all evens out in the end!
I am so guilty of the drive by. In fact this morning I saw a rowdy toddler and asked him, “What did you have for breakfast, Straight Red Dye #40?” and his mom said, “A fruit roll-up and Hawaiian Punch, why do you ask?” and I mentioned the link between wild behavior and red dye and she thanked me and said she might try eliminating it. Of course she won’t but I said my piece. Even though it didn’t need saying. Except she calls him names like wild, rambunctious, Dennis the Menace, possessed, etc. So then I feel badly for him because it’s not his fault he gets hopped up on sugar. I guess we do it out of compassion for the kids and the moms? When it has happened to me I’ve tried to learn from it. Although if it comes from my mother in law I end up really chapped! So I guess as moms we really want to see our children and other children succeed so we speak up when probably we could have just kept mum and the outcome would be the same…it’s difficult
I spent 4 years suffering from Mommy Drive-By syndrome. Not mine - everyone else’s. I had a child who could not be controlled or disciplined no matter what I tried and I got more advice and more of ‘those looks’ than I could ever count. I had people telling me how Super Nanny would have handled particular discipline issues with my son. I was made to feel awful all of the time about my lack of parenting abilities.
Well, it turned out that I wasn’t the World’s Worst Mom - I had a child with a disability. My son was diagnosed with Asperger’s when he was 4-1/2, and suddenly I was able to understand that most of my son’s problems weren’t my fault. Not that I am a perfect mom by any means. Most of the time I still feel awful about my lack of parenting skills. I do think guilt is built into motherhood. But the one thing that I will never ever do again is judge ANY mother whose child seems out of her control (an admission - I do love bashing Britney, because I am in many ways evil, but I am talking about the everyday moms I see in grocery and department stores with one or even two wild children who don’t listen to her and occasionally scream at the top of their lungs. And to be honest, I was bashing Britney way before she even gave birth to her first.).
I have a whole new perspective on moms now. I know I am still judged as a bad mom lots of the time, but I am now able to ignore those moms. If they show a genuine concern I may even attempt to educate them, but most of the time I just think to myself, ” F— off, you have no idea what is going on”, and walk on. And I am very careful not to bash other parents or their children because I know from my own experience that if you have not lived this person’s life you have no idea why you are seeing this horrible behavior from the child, or even, for that matter, the mother.
I also got alot of criticism on my parenting style - others thought I was way too rigid and my kids would never grow up to have enough independence. Well, the “proof is in the pudding” as they say - my two teenaged daughters are respectful, honest, hard-working AND extremely independent. I think keeping your opinions to yourself is the best idea - we all have enough self-doubt and should not feed that in others!
You know, I was re-reading my comments, and I wanted to come back to clarify something. When I said that Mommy Drive-Bys were inevitable, I meant IN MY HEAD. Oops. Boy, I must have sounded like one of those annoying moms who goes around saying judgemental things to other moms. I never do that, but I do admit to thinking those thoughts in my head. I suppose that’s no harm, no foul. I would NEVER go up to another mom and offer unsolicited comments or advice unless they asked my opinion. I am prefer to be honest when put on the spot, although I also feel tact is of utmost importance too. So I agree with the others that it’s best not to say anything because you never know what someone else has been through or is going through at the present moment. Judging and forming opinions in your head is human nature though. That can’t be stopped.
I think the best Mommy Drive-Bys are those that are left unspoken aloud. Being a teacher as well as a mother, I do have thoughts on how children are behaving, and on occasion will address the behavior directly with the child, especially if it appears that the child may be acting unsafely. When safety is an issue, I think it can and does take a village.
When my son was young, I read a book titled The Good Enough Parent, which basic premise was that none of us are perfect as parents or as people, as our children are not perfect; we should not expect perfection from ourselves as parents. I think it is sad that parenting (primarily mothering) is so often judged by others, as if children come with a manual and training; however, I also believe that parenting is one of the most important jobs (if not THE most important job!) , and that some training would be a good idea. Is that being judgemental(sp?)? We have training for all other jobs!
As none of us are the perfect parent, I think that mommy drive-bys are uncalled for.